Barbie and I don't get along

Little Girl got a Princess Tiana Barbie doll for Valentine's day.  And her strapless dress will not stay up!  

I took this picture while she was lying flat, because you hold her upright, that dress slips down and she's flashing you!  It's so obscene I talked my daughter out of taking the doll with us to the grocery store.  Really, I have no idea why I keep getting my girls Barbies, Barbie and I have tons of issues, irreconcilable differences, maybe!

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I made brussel sprouts once for dinner 11 months ago.  The rest of the family didn't like them, my then 3 year old son really did, though, and even had seconds!  Of brussel sprouts!

Fast forward to this past week, he suddenly mentions to me that we haven't had brussel sprouts in a long time.  I say, "You're right.  And you liked them.  I'll have to make them for you again soon."  But, when I go to the grocery store I totally forget about the brussel sprouts.  And now for the past 3 nights when I'm making dinner, my 4 year old has asked if we're having brussel sprouts.  He's always upset when I say "no".  Tonight he lamented, "You NEVER make me brussel sprouts!"

Seriously, it's like I'm in some sort of twilight zone!  I thought kids whined about their mom making them eat brussel sprouts.  But not my kid, he whines about me not making him brussel sprouts!!

And how is it exactly that my 4 year old guy remembers eating brussel sprouts when we haven't had them in 11 months?!!

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A few people have said to me recently, "I don't know how you do it with 4 kids.  I'm struggling with just 2 kids!"

My secret:

Older siblings are the BEST entertainment for little ones!

When my oldest kid was 3, there was nobody to read to him during the day except me!

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Happy Friday!

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Bonding and Attachment For Real (Sleep)

The problem about blogging an introduction to a series is that then you have to actually write the series some day!

In case you missed the into. you can read it here, but to summarize this series on bonding and attachment is not meant to be taken as expert advice or a prescription for how you should do things with your adopted child, there are some true experts out there with work I highly recommend you study before and after adopting a child.  This series is just my attempt to throw out there into the lake of adoption stories, our experience.

So, here it is,

Part 1: Sleep 

Sleep is a hot topic in adoption books and training. There's all kinds of stuff about why sleep may be a hard issue for an adopted child. To get really basic, the children often have trouble with sleep because they do not feel safe yet in their new environment and to go to sleep is to put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Totally understandable.

I was prepared to rock this new child as long as she needed, co-sleep if she wanted, respond to her cries quickly at all hours of the night to build trust that I was there for her.

But, what I wasn't prepared for was the actuality of a child who didn't want to sleep and fought it like the devil.

The week we were in Ethiopia with our new 3 year old daughter, we had to lock the door to our guesthouse room before getting out pajamas or anything else that would clue our daughter into the fact that bedtime was coming because she'd run out of the room otherwise.  The first few nights it took several minutes to get past the mad and get to a point where she'd let me hold her.  But she would, eventually let me walk around the room carrying her, then she'd get tired and lay her head on my shoulder, and finally fall asleep in my arms and transfer easily into the bed where she slept with my husband and me.  If at any point during the walking her around the room process before she fell asleep, I tried to sit down with her, she'd begin screaming and stand up in my lap, attempting to pull me up with her!  So carry her around some more I did, even when my arms got very tired.

Once we got home, Little Girl had keen radar to when we might be trying to get her to go to sleep and although she wanted us to hold her most of the daytime, once it was bedtime she just wanted to run around and did not want us carrying her or rocking her.

So, here was my issue.  I knew she needed sleep.  I've parented 3 other 3 year old children and know that their behavior gets worse when they haven't had enough sleep.  I could observe Little Girl's behavior become more hyper and reved up the more tired she got, and knew I needed to help her calm down and rest.  

But how?  

She didn't want to be rocked or held.  If I put her in the bed and laid next to her she fought to get out of the bed.  I certainly wasn't going to shut her in a room to "cry it out" alone. 

I actually entertained the idea of just letting Little Girl do what she wanted, which was play with toys in the playroom and just wait until she tuckered out on her own, then I'd put her to bed.  But this completely child-led parenting technique didn't feel right either.  

I scoured the multitude of adoption and attachment books I had trying to find practical help about just what exactly I should do!  I did not find anything specific, just general things about creating a calm environment and being understanding about why sleep is an issue -- Um, okay, got those things, but she's still not asleep!!!

What I ended up doing felt very wrong at the time, but looking back it was the best decision and led to me being more bonded with my daughter.

I decided she had two choices.  Rock with me in the rocking chair or stay in her bed.  Neither scenario was I going to leave her side.

Here's how it played out:

After the bedtime routine of bath, lotion, jammies, book, soft music, I'd pick her up and sit with her in the rocking chair.  She'd cry and fight to get down to the point that I really couldn't hold her.  So I'd say, "Okay, you don't want to be rocked, then you need to be in your bed."  And I'd lay her down in her bed and stand right next to the bed.  She would freak out about being put in bed and immediately stand up reaching out her arms for me to pick her up.

I would immediately pick her up and go back to the rocking chair to rock her.  She'd cry and fight to get down.  I'd remind her of the choices, "Rock or Bed" and we'd repeat the whole scenario several times over until Little Girl would finally relax against me and let me rock her to sleep.

This went on for a week or two (funny how quickly you forget, kinda like childbirth!) but each night we'd have fewer iterations and it would take less time for her to give in, and then she got where she wouldn't fight the rocking at all!

So, that's where we are now.  Happily rocking for 10 to 20 minutes before she falls asleep with no fighting at all.  (That 10 to 20 minutes of rocking turns into 90 to 120 minutes of rocking if Little Girl takes a nap of even just a few minutes during the day, but my reluctantly giving up naptime, which I feel sure is the only way I survived my other children being 3 years old, is a whole 'nother post!)

She sleeps about half the night in her bed in the room she shares with her 6 year old sister and at some point in the middle of the night each night she wakes up and I let her sleep the rest of the night in bed with my husband and me.  

We didn't co-sleep at all with our 3 biological children (maybe just a couple times when they were really sick), so this is new for us and I have to say, selfishly, I'm not a big fan!  I am actually surprised with myself for feeling this way after waiting so long for this little girl to come home, but after holding her much of the day I just want to sleep without her hanging on my neck or pushing her little feet into my back.  But, I know she needs the extra closeness and we're making up for lost time, critical snuggles she may not have gotten as an infant!  So, I do it, knowing it's best for her, knowing that someday she'll grow up and I'll miss these nights.  But, I also shamelessly scooch her closer to my husband's side of the bed throughout the night!

A few ending thoughts:

We played music while in Ethiopia to get our daughter to sleep easier and have continued it at home at bedtime, the same music. 

So guess what?  I'm still listening to Christmas music every night when I rock her!!!

My advice to anyone going after us on the journey -- pick some timeless music!

And last, I have no idea why it took me a few weeks to think of this.  But, to help my daughter calm more easily at bedtime, I now cover her up with a blanket when I rock her.   Kind of like swaddling a newborn, only the 3 year old version, where the blanket's just tucked around her whole body, with her head sticking out.  I can almost instantly feel her body relax when I cover her with a soft blanket. 

I am sharing our sleep story with the hope that our experience might just help one other family while they're in the trenches of parenting a newly adopted child.  I know in those moments where Little Girl was screaming and I kept thinking, "I'm making her miserable.    This child has been through so much, shouldn't I just do everything I can to keep her happy?  She doesn't want to be rocked!  I'm forcing my child to let me rock her, how crazy is that?!"  it would have been a blessing to see the other side, to know this was okay, that other families had been through this, that it would get better.

I'm thankful for all the progress we've already seen with our new little girl when it's really only been a couple months, for all the ways God is healing her! 


Find more Thankful Thursday here.

The Valentine's Aftermath

If you ignore the shirt sleeve-chewing 4 year old, this is a fairly good picture of my kids on Valentine's Day 2012.

That 4 year old really had me laughing on Sunday as we worked on the Valentines for his class.  He wrote his name on each one and he typically writes the letter "E" at the end of his name with way too many horizontal lines.  So, I thought I'd use the repetition of writing his name 14 times in a row to really work on getting the "E" right.  I said, "Okay, 1, 2, 3 lines and you're done!" as he wrote the "E".  Then he said, "I know, but I really like drawing lines!"

And, who could argue with that?  Honestly, I know if he were my 1st child at age 4 I'd have insisted he do it correctly, but the blessing of being the 3rd child is that I'm like, "You know what that 'E' is the cutest thing, you just go on and make it like that."  And in my head I'm thinking, "It's not like he'll go off to college still making his "E" like that, right???"

I made red velvet cake balls for my kids' teachers.  There were some left-over.  There is a reason I only make these once a year, I'm usually pretty good with food temptation, but these are way too good. I can't resist!

A certain little girl definitely enjoyed her first Valentine's day, as evidenced by the chocolate on her shirt!  She didn't eat a ton of candy, but apparently it was too much as evidenced by the colossal tantrum this afternoon.

And now in the aftermath of Valentine's, every surface in my house pretty much looks like this:

Valentine's paraphernalia from 3 different classrooms (at least the Super Hero Bible is out in the midst of the chaos)!  I think we'll just have to order a dumpster for the driveway once I have 4 kids in school!

Find more Wordful Wednesday here.

Love

Love that I get to see this cute face all the time in person rather than just in pictures like a couple months ago!

Love that after nearly 2 months, I finally got her wearing feety pajamas!  Little Girl would have nothing to do with them the first several nights, and I gave up, but we've had a cold spell and the other kids were wearing theirs, so I thought I'd try again.  Guess what?  She likes them!  Hooray!  Now, just to talk the almost 9 year old into some footed pajamas!

Love that my 4 year old and 6 year old wanted to share some of their own money from their money jars with their little sister because she didn't have as much in her jar as they did (they've been saving their allowance for a while and she's only lived with us a couple months!).  Without her even knowing they generously added to her jar!

Love having an eager baking assistant!  After a trip to Target (hence the bags in the background, and no, I'm not compensated to endorse Target, but Target is welcome to send me some store credit for displaying their brand!), I began work on some red velvet cake balls.  Wow, that red velvet cake batter is really red!

Love this Bible verse and need to be in constant prayer that I can show love like this and be able to teach my children to love like this (especially the part about demanding its own way):

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Cor 13:4-7

If this sounds incoherent, just know I took all 4 of my children to the dentist today!

One night this week I was doing the last minute dinner preparations, my husband had just gotten home from work, and my 3 youngest were having a parade throughout the house.  A parade where they all marched and played loud instruments!  The parade circled through the kitchen several times.  It was very cute, so I couldn't really complain about all the loud!  My oldest child was hollering (to be heard over the parade music), "What about my brain?!!!  Did you print out the brain picture I need for my book report project?!!!  I need a brain!!!!"  The dog, meanwhile, had her front paws up on the kitchen counter, trying to help herself to dinner (Did I mention we're considering remedial dog training for our 1 year old, hopelessly terrible dog?  Maybe even the kind where you send them away for a week or two!).

My husband and I looked at each other at the same time and just laughed!  I mean, THE CHAOS!!  And he said something about, "People just have no idea the crazy that goes on around here!"  Which would be true, except I write about some of it on my blog for all the world to read!

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Speaking of crazy, today, I took all 4 of my children to the dentist for check-ups.  It was every bit as unfun as you might imagine!

My 3 older kids were due for a check-up in mid-January, I'd been putting it off, but couldn't feel good about delaying it any longer.  Also, our new daughter needed to have a first ever dentist appointment to make sure everything seemed okay with her teeth.

I could have just made the appointment for my older 3 kids and waited a little while longer before doing Littlest Girl.  But, the problems with that option were that we're not leaving Littlest Girl with babysitters yet, so she'd still have to go with me to take the other 3 to the dentist, and if she's going to be there anyway why not just have her looked at.  Besides, having kids close in age, I've seen the magic of a younger sibling watching an older sibling get a shot/dental exam/hair cut and survive it and the younger child then be able to do it themselves without pitching a fit!

I was not totally nuts, though.  I did have the forethought to think that maybe this dentist visit with all 4 kids and it being the 1st one for our new daughter might be too much for me to handle by myself, so I made my husband leave work to meet me there.  

Definitely a good idea!  First there was the 55 minute wait before even being called back (Ask me how close I was to leaving and never going back to that dentist at minute 54?) Then it was like a 4 ring circus with them having one kid go to this room for x-rays, one in this chair for a cleaning, one in this chair for the dentist to examine and discuss findings with parent, and one playing in the corner toy area waiting their turn.

Did I mention there's an electric train that runs on a track throughout the ceiling of the office, it goes through all the rooms?  Really it's very cool, but after 2 hours of being in that crazy place with that train flying around and around and around, I began to feel like I needed a sedative!

The good news, 4 kids and not 1 cavity!  And Littlest Girl sat happily in the chair to be examined which I didn't expect, apparently she got all her tantrums out of her system in the waiting room!  Still debating a dentist switch over the long wait when I had an appointment, but reminding myself to be thankful for the medical and dental care we have here in the U.S. that is not available in Ethiopia!

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I had a hunch these two would be the best of friends once we got past some sharing issues.  My 4 year old and my 3 year old:

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Elementary school "Breakfast With Mom" today brought back memories of my 1st year, when my oldest child was a kindergartener, I made the rookie mistake of actually buying the cafeteria breakfast for us to eat.  Wow, so gross!!  And then I looked around and all the moms with older kids had stopped and gotten donuts or fast food breakfast for themselves and their kids!  So, this has now become the one and only school day of the year where my kids get donuts for breakfast.  And I've made it a public service project to warn new kindergarten moms that despite the advertising that you come eat breakfast at the school with your kid(s) on this special day, really, you must pick up breakfast on the way and bring it to eat in the decorated cafeteria, trust me!

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Another sweet moment from the week:

My 6 year old daughter is often making me cards even when there is no occasion.  This time she set it up in my bedroom and called me in to see.  Her cards usually have a picture of she and I together on them.  And we're always smiling with flowers or butterflies around.  It makes me so happy that she views us like that!  Praise God when she's drawing that she isn't dwelling on the times I was grouchy with her or the time recently when it wasn't butterflies but tons of fruit flies buzzing around us in our kitchen because someone had left the backdoor open for much of an afternoon!

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Happy Friday, Friends!

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Bonding and Attachment For Real (An Intro.)

Like so many other aspects of parenting, I was more of an expert on bonding and attachment with adopted children before actually mothering my newly adopted daughter. 

Before taking custody of our new daughter I attended a 6 week long course at a local church taught by a therapist trained in Theraplay (a true bonding expert), read tons of books, went to a 2 day training workshop offered by our adoption agency on older child (non-infant) adoption, watched nearly all the Karyn Purvis DVDs, participated in 4 adoption conferences, and all that is in addition to the training required by our adoption agency! 

I thought I knew some stuff. 

I will say the things I learned were all very helpful and eye-opening. I'm glad I did the extra training and learned so much that has been useful now as an adoptive parent. But, in my day to day existence, I find myself wanting more practical help. Like, I think, "Okay, I get why this is important, but how do I implement it in real life with my 3 year old?"  I am often questioning in my head if I'm doing things right and wondering just what Karyn Purvis would do if she were here right now in this situation! 

But some how, some way, by the grace of God, bonding and attachment is happening.  It's a beautiful thing to realize the progress we've made in less than 2 months time!

With the disclaimer that I am not an expert, and our daughter has been home less than 2 months, so I have no idea how things will go in the long run, I'm going to share some of my real life experiences with the hope that maybe someone else will benefit from hearing it.

I will start with sleep -- a popular topic in adoption books, and an issue near and dear to every parent's heart -- and share how it's gone for us these past several weeks, what's worked for us and what hasn't.

Just, not today, because I need to go get some sleep before an early date with my 2 oldest kids.  It's Breakfast with Mom at the elementary school.

But, stay tuned, next week, maybe, I'll get Part 1 of this series posted!

Conquering Laundry Mountain

I did approximately 4.4 billion loads of wash today.  Okay, not really, but I lost count it was so many.  My washer was going pretty much all day.

I'm usually a load or two per day kind of person, you know so I don't ever have a day where there's tons to deal with, but I'm not sure what happened, it's like I blinked and 5 days had passed without much laundry being done (any?).  So I had somewhere between 5 and 10 loads to catch up on.

When I say I "did" loads of wash today, I mean I got them into the washer, soap added, washer started, and through the dryer.  Then I just threw each load onto the couch to fold and put away later.

Hence laundry mountain.

It turns out my children's idea of conquering laundry mountain is not the same as mine.

They just wanted to climb it!

Find more Wordful Wednesday here.