It's February 3rd, How Are Your New Year's Resolutions Going?

Making New Years resolutions seems rather cliche' and I've certainly heard the statistics about how just 8% of people actually achieve their New Year's goals.

But, still, I typically can't resist.  I mean it is a clean slate, a new year, a world of possibilities!  And per my personality, I usually bite off more than I can easily chew.  And what is the harm anyway?  Failure may mean I still accomplished more than if I'd never had the goal to begin with.

Last year I set the goal to workout for at least 30 minutes at least 3 times per week.  Overall I achieved that.  Not every week was perfect, but there were even some weeks where I hit 4 times a week, so on average, I'm calling it a win.

And the best part is that the regular, consistent workouts are now a part of my routine, versus previous years when I might work-out every day for 30 days and then not at all for weeks.

On the heals of my 2014 success, I do believe overconfidence in my ability to implement change took over.  For 2015 I actually made TWO resolutions!  

And that's in addition to maintaining last year's exercise goal and, you know, raising 4 humans, caring for a crazy, furry, four-legged creature, working magic to feed everyone 3 meals a day, and various volunteer jobs!

This may not last until March which is why I'd like to go on the record now saying, surprisingly, I'm actually ON TRACK with these 2 goals!

So what are they?

#1 I've undertaken the goal to read through the Bible in a year.

I'm doing an ESV chronological version.  I've never read through the Bible in a year before.  I'm in an in-depth Bible study where we read books of the Bible in entirety, looking at each verse, so I've always thought I didn't have time for more Bible reading.  But, I liked the idea of covering the whole book, of knowing that I know the whole thing cover to cover or at least have lain eyes on it at least once in my life!  Then I heard that it would just take 15 minutes each day to achieve the goal of reading through the Bible in a year.  And I thought, "Anyone can make time for 15 minutes!  Right?"  Well, it's not easy, but I am only a day behind and for me that is a HUGE win!

#2  I've challenged myself to read more books this year, not just the Bible.  24 Books, to be exact. 

I used to love reading and then I became a mom and just took less and less time for it and then when I'd read something besides the Bible it was usually a parenting or adoption-related book.  While those books are great, they are usually not high on the enjoyment scale.  Then I read a novel in just a few days during our summer vacation and I loved it and determined to try to make more time for leisure reading.  So, I've finished 2 books but I have to confess they are books I started before the new year.  But, still, I'm totally couting them!  And, I have no shortage of books to read as I've totally overindulged and bought myself tons of books that I really want to read!

After I'd made the goal to read through the Bible in a year, I was going through built-up mail and realized we had gotten a 2015 calendar from Samaritan's Purse and it had it's own version of a Bible reading plan for each day of the calendar.  I gave the calendar to my 9 year old daughter because she wanted a 2015 calendar for her room.  But, the coolest part is that she is following that reading plan and attempting to read through the Bible in a year, too!!  AND she totally holds me accountable asking me, "How many days behind are you?" or "I'm caught up, are you caught up, Mom?!"

How are you doing on your resolutions?  Did you make any?

8 Minutes Well Spent

I like to listen to Bible teaching while I exercise. Often this is Matt Chandler or Francis Chan. 

Then last week I suddenly had the desire to hear a little Beth Moore. About 4 years ago I did a Beth Moore study live with some Bible study friends and hearing her speak in person was all kinds of awesome. I've also been in groups before who watched her videos, but not in a few years. So, just out of the blue I began to crave hearing Beth Moore. Strange, right? Well, I searched for a Beth Moore video on the internet and friends, I found a gem! 

Really, this made my whole day! And then a couple days later I sat my husband and kids down and had them watch it, too, and we all laughed! 

 This is so funny and delightful, trust me, watch it! Do it!

Christmas isn't really over.

How is it that Christmastime seems to go so quickly from this:

To this:

 

And before you know it you're ringing in the new year with sparkling grape juice and 2015 pancakes

And the tree is undecorated and the children get to watch from the playroom window as the iron claw from the recycling truck picks it up from our curb on January 2nd and hauls it away.

Christmas is over, boxed up, hauled off, and we're on to all things new.  New calendars, new goals, new plans, a new school semester.

But the old magic of Christmas never ends.  That baby in the manager is the same savior for you and me today in 2015 as He was over two thousand years ago when the angels declared his birth!

So call it denial, that I don't want to face the reality of packing 4 lunches at 7am tomorrow, but I'm claiming Christmas has not ended.  Yes, the decorations are down, but The Greatest Gift is one that keeps on giving.  And praise God for that, because truly, I need a savior all year round!

Gifts

We took a break for a little while as summer ended and the school year began, but we are back at it, listing our blessings, writing them down to help us remember to be thankful.  

Saturday brought a tremendous gift of cooler weather, a much-needed break from months of days so hot you were uncomfortable with just a few minutes outside!

We headed to the zoo, a family favorite spot, and were delighted with a grizzly bear wading in the water, some new clouded leopards to admire, and giraffe antics as three of them tried to lick out of the same hanging bucket, among other delights!

I even caught this precious view of my 7 year old and my 5 year old walking with their arms around each other inside one exhibit:

We wrapped up the day with dinner out, the gifts of no cooking or dishes!

What My Son Is NOT Getting for 5th Grade Graduation

Tomorrow is my 11 year old's graduation ceremony.

From 5th Grade! 

It is so hard to believe that his elementary school days are over!

My husband and I are so proud of the great job he's done these 6 years of kindergarten through 5th grades!

We really could not have asked for better.  He has excelled with both his grades and also what we always stress is more important, his behavior and character displayed at school.

But, still.

I'm having a little trouble getting on board with ALL THE FANFARE modern society seems to now put on 5th grade graduation.

Maybe it is just where we live, but it has been turned into a WAY bigger deal than when I graduated from 5th grade.

There is no shortage of parties and special things and the graduation ceremony itself is at the local high school.

And then there is the idea of a graduation gift.  Again, just to be clear we're talking elementary school, not high school graduation, here!

I'm left feeling that the hoopla around 5th Grade Graduation is much like the birthday party goodie bag, something ridiculously unnecessary that modern parents have invented to help our kids feel special, but in reality only makes our kids feel entitled.

I've seen it so many times I can't even count, even in my own children, they have played for 2 hours at the party place complete with multiple bouncy houses, they were fed pizza and cupcakes only to ask "Where's my goodie bag?" at the end of the party.  And then we parents are embarrassed by how ungrateful our children are, but we have made them that way.  We have followed along with modern society and over-catered to our children.  It is so hard to push back against the tide of our society!  I struggle all the time and am always questioning the right parenting move.

As my husband and I mulled over the idea of a 5th Grade Graduation gift, a thing many parents seem to do in a big way, I couldn't help but think about kids in Ethiopia who walk over an hour each way in worn out shoes to attend school.  They will never have a 5th grade graduation to celebrate their achievement making it through the lower grades!  They are just thrilled with the opportunity to go and learn!  Yet my American kid with his Nike running shoes who was driven in a car and dropped off at the door to his school each day carrying a homemade, nutritious lunch complete with a dessert and a little note from his mom, deserves all manner of celebration and parties and a gift for successfully completing grades kinder through 5th?!!

I know what my 11 year old son would love to get for his 5th grade graduation:
 

But, that is the thing he is definitely NOT getting!

And, yes, I'm aware that ALL the kids in his 5th grade class already have iphones because my son has told me.

But, we are not at all ready to go there.

Giving a kid an iphone unleashes not only the cell phone privilege/responsibility, but also, the Internet, a camera, texting, email, video games, etc., etc. -- all things that are hard for even adults to use and manage responsibly, much less a preteen!  And, yes, I know you can turn off/disable/monitor all those features on your kid's phone because other parents have told me elaborate things about what they do, but I just keep saying, "The teenager is always going to be smarter than me at the technology!  There is no way to completely monitor that device once I give it to them!"

Even though it is not the popular answer, I know beyond any doubt that the best thing for my kid is NOT to have an iphone and not to get an over-the-top 5th grade graduation gift.  I also know it's only going to get harder, this living counter-culturally as our kids rapidly approach the teen years.  But we are praying that as we help them navigate the relatively small world that is public middle school while staying true to who God created them to be rather than what the world would have them be, that when they grow up and enter the big, real world, they will have the confidence to stand strong even when they are calling their own shots and buying their own iphones!

Find more Works for Me Wednesday here.


Update: Find out what my son DID get for 5th grade graduation here. 

Why We Are Going Back to Ethiopia

She just HAD to wear it to her gymnastics class last week.  

The dress that was packed away in a box in the top of my closet.

The dress I agreed she could wear into gymnastics over her leotard but had to take off before the actual gymnastics began.

The dress was at least 3 sizes too small.

The dress was the one she wore when she left the orphanage nearly 2 and a half years ago.

The dress that was given to her by the lady in the orphanage who was her special caregiver.

 I know, it makes my heart hurt, too!

You see these past few weeks my Little Girl has been wanting to talk a lot about Ethiopia and she has shared some things about her life there before she joined our family that she had never told me before.

I don't know if it is her age now or emotional development or something about how secure she feels in our family, but she has begun talking about things we weren't sure if she'd ever talk to us about or if she even remembered.

What she has told us is not really different from much of what we already knew, but hearing her say it and share specific details we never told her, is a very new thing.

It has been so good and simultaneously so hard for this mama's heart!

I am so glad she feels comfortable and safe enough to tell me these things.  I am privileged to walk this journey of healing with her, one that will continue over the course of her entire life, ebbing and flowing as she grows up and processes things differently.

But, I am her mommy.  And mommies don't like sad and tragic things to happen to their babies!  Hearing my Little Girl tell about things no child should have to go through makes me hurt on a whole new level for her.  Which is a good thing.

I told her recently after she shared something (Remember we are keeping the specific details of her story private.  It is her story to share with others when and if she is ever ready.) about her past, "I wish I could have been there.  I wish I could have been there to make it better for you."

But, while I couldn't be there for my Little Girl then, I can be there for her now and I am so grateful for that.

AND I can be there for other children.  To keep similar things from happening to them.

THAT is why we partnered a little over a year ago with a care point run by Children's Hopechest in Ethiopia, a new one just getting started.  To help prevent children from becoming orphans, to provide for them through a local church with food, medical care, education, and best of all teaching about Jesus!

This summer I'll travel with my husband and 11 year old son half-way across the world so that we can stand eye to eye with Ethiopian mommies who don't like sad and tragic things to happen to their babies any more than American mommies do.  And hug their beautiful children who don't deserve to starve or suffer from sickness, or loose a parent due to a preventable illness, or wander around the streets looking for food, children who hopefully won't have to become orphans.  We can kiss cheeks and hold hands and play with kids and see the care point as it stands today and dream along with the rest of team about what could be.  A clean water well?  A school?  A library?  A medical clinic?  Scholarships for the brightest students to attend university? 

A better future for this little community in southern Ethiopia! 

We can do for those children what we wish someone would have done for our Little Girl.

Does Easter Change Anything?

I've been studying Revelation with my Bible study group since September.  Every verse read, examined, and reflected upon.

As odd as Revelation can be at times, mostly what I've been left with is HOPE.  I knew of the hope we have as Christians before, but now it is more real to me.

Just a couple weeks ago our memory verse was what I called "the longest memory verse in the history of memory verses".  It was acutally 2 verses and I had to write them several different times as a part of my Bible lesson that week, so many times that my hand actually began to ache.

"I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.  He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."”  Revelation 21:3-4

Do you hear the hope in those verses?  No more death, nor crying, nor pain! 

I really cannot even bear to think about Jesus's mother watching him be crucified.  Such tremendous pain!

I think of all the great pain that is in our world today.

The mothers who cry out in anguish as their children's bodies are pulled from a sunken ferry boat.

The mothers in Ethiopia who watch their babies die of starvation.

I think of the evening recently when I had to sit down next to my 11 year old son and tell him that the teacher he loves so much who left his class 2 months ago when her twin babies were born very prematurely, that one of her baby boys, who we prayed so hard for and cheered on over a month in updates from the neonatal ICU, had died.

And some days it just feels like too much.

But, those are the days our great hope in Jesus is the most important to cling to!

I read the Rev. 21:3-4 verses to my son as he blinked back the tears.  And also, Isaiah 65:19-20, "I will rejoice in Jerusalem and be glad in my people; no more shall be heard in it the sound of weeping and the cry of distress. No more shall there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not fill out his days, for the young man shall die a hundred years old, and the sinner a hundred years old shall be accursed"

And I got to tell him, "It won't always be this way!  God tells us there will come a time when babies will not die!"  Oh how glad I was to have those Bible verses to share with him!

We traveled to Oklahoma for an Easter celebration with my husband's side of the family and on Saturday, that day between the anniversary of Jesus's death and his resurrection, that time that must have felt so dark and painful for Jesus's disciples and loved ones all those years ago, my husband picked up the decades old Bible that belonged to his grandmother.  He flipped through pages not finding many markings, but when he got to Revelation 21, there it was!  His grandmother, who is no longer with us, had marked the great hope of Revelation 21:4!

Today, the Monday after the Resurrection Sunday, it is tempting to go back to life as usual, to live with my to-do list in the forefront of my mind.  But, as I walk the halls of the nursing home with my own mama, she is no longer able to talk to me and yet she smiles occasionally in response so I know she is still there buried under the dementia that claimed so much of her life at too young an age, I help steady her steps and smile back at her with the great hope that things will not always be this way.  There will come a day when the pain of this current world will be no more!

Our Savior lives!  And that same power that raised Him from the dead is bringing heaven to earth where God will dwell with us! Rev. 21:3

Hope changes things!  Easter changed everything!

Little Girl Writes Her First Chapter Book!

My 8 year old daughter and 6 year old son are always writing books, currently the 6 year old has a "superhero" book going where he's created several unique superheros and the book describes the powers of each superhero.

Well, of course, Little Girl, my 5 year old, has begun writing stories, too!

But, today was special.  Today she wrote her first chapter book!  She was super proud of it! 

 I complimented her on how hard she was working on it.  And then over lunch I had her tell me what it was about (because although I could read words in her story, I needed a translator to really understand).  A close-up of page one of her book:

Chapter 1 (as she read it to me):  "The cat is lost.  It can't find it's mommy.  It is looking everywhere, looking, looking, looking, but it still can't find it's mommy.  The cat bumps into a tree and then another tree but it still can't find it's mommy.  Then it bumps into another tree, but looks up and it wasn't a tree but it's mommy!  It wasn't lost anymore!"

And Chapter 2:  "The cat is lost under water.  It can't find it's home!  But a mermaid comes to help it.  Then the cats brothers and sister come and help it find its home."

Hmmmm, I'm no child psychologist, but considering Little Girl was adopted as a 3 year old into our family (that happens to include 2 brothers and 1 sister for Little Girl), anyone think the little cat just may be her?  At least chapter 1 and chapter 2 ended happily with the cat finding it's mommy and finding it's home!

The theme of her stories overwhelms me anew with the privilege and responsibility God has given me by allowing me to be Little Girl's mother!  We are so blessed to be able to share in her stories!

I Tell Her The Truth

I still remember the spring she pointed outside and cried out with anguish and tears in her eyes, “Mommy, look!!!!”

I peered out our dining room window expecting to see the gorgeous pink azaleas we’d been admiring for a few weeks, every breakfast and lunch we’d comment on their beauty, my 3 year old girl and I.

But that morning brought an unhappy surprise, they were no longer pink, bright, glorious flowers,

but brown, wilted, and drooping!

I knew they would die but hadn’t given it much thought.

I didn’t anticipate my daughter’s emotional reaction.

In hindsight, I should have, she has a sweet, sensitive nature.

I should have warned her, prepared her somehow.

I wished for a world where the flowers were always blooming and beautiful.

A world for my daughter where there was no loss,

No pain,

No death,

No ugliness.

But it is not to be.

Because my little girl lives on earth right now,

In a fallen world.

And so I took a deep breath

And told her the truth.

Flowers die.

This will happen every year.

And we are sad to see them go

but thankful for the time we had to enjoy them.

And, “Look!” I exclaimed happily to her as I pointed out the back window,

“While those flowers were dying in the front yard, new, different flowers were blooming in the backyard!”

That little 3 year old girl is now 8!

While she's not so little anymore, she is still sweet. 

The flowers are blooming again as they do every year at this time, and telling her the truth has only gotten harder as she's grown and the subjects of despair are deeper than dead flowers, but the same message is there and Jesus is always the answer!

The Blessing of Nothing Unusual at the Dentist With Four Kids!

I survived taking all 4 kids to the dentist today for cleanings and check-ups!    Four kids and NO cavities -- hooray!  And not even a meltdown!  We have come a long way, that is for sure!

Something that struck me later is just how normal it is to me now, having these 4 kids.  When Little Girl first came home, and really for at least a year after, I told pretty much everyone we met that we adopted her from Ethiopia.  I was self-conscious about people staring at us and the fact that we look different and just felt like I should address everyone's wondering and settle the issue about why I, a white woman, have a black child.

But, now after 2 years, I find myself not telling people so often and not because it's something I don't want to share, it's just I don't think to share it as much.  To me, now, these just are my 4 kids, and honestly sometimes I forget there is anything unusual about it!

Today we had a new dental hygienist, someone we'd never met before.  She cleaned all 4 kids' teeth.   I sat right by the exam chair with Little Girl on my lap while the older 3 kids had their teeth cleaned and never thought to explain anything.  It wasn't until an hour and 45 minutes into the deal (yes, that is how long it takes to take 4 kids to the dentist complete with x-rays, cleanings, consults with the dentist, and 2 re-applied sealants) as we were leaving and I was gathering up my children, that it even occurred to me that someone might see my group as odd!

These are just the children whom God has graciously given me! - Genesis 33:5

Celebrating Lent

I'm a Christian but my church doesn't really practice Lent.  Not like some faith communities do, anyway, with the ashes on the forehead and the giving up something for Lent.

Yet, still, I wanted to do something this year.  I love the idea of the 40 days of Lent being like walking alongside Jesus during His 40 days in the wilderness and a period of preparing one's heart for Easter.  

Anything to draw closer to Him!

So, we are doing something I've started with my kids before and stopped too soon, but this time we're going to stick with it!

We are listing gifts (click here to get Ann Voskamp's printable blank list).

Thanking God for them.  Seven each day, and my plan is to continue on past Lent for 21 weeks to count over 1,000 gifts.  Although some of my children are skeptical.  "You think we'll run out of gifts to list?"  I ask them.  We'll see!

We sit 'round the dinner table and over dirty dishes the kids shout out gifts they want me to write down.  They think of more than 7 and beg me to start in on tomorrow's list!  But this is a marathon not a sprint, this walking with God, so I stop them at 7, and, besides, tomorrow will have it's own blessings, no need for it to borrow from today!

The Thankful List is sweet at times: food, our house, Daddy, Mommy, my teacher, school, flowers, friends, my bed . . .

And amusing at times:  my other eye (?), Legos, Furby, cereal, my nose . . .

But, we are counting.

Also, for Lent I've decided to memorize all of Isaiah 43 before Easter.  

Which probably means I'll make it about 4 verses in and then fall off the wagon, but hey, that's 4 verses I didn't have memorized before!

So far it's been a week and I've got Isaiah 43:1 and 2 down (from the ESV):

But now thus says the Lord, He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel:  "Fear Not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Is 43: 1-2

I love the part about "You are mine"!  How awesome is it that God says that to us!

Guess Who's Ready For Kindergarten?

Recently my husband and I sat in a conference with our 5 year old daughter's pre-K teachers, the Little Girl who we adopted from Ethiopia just a little over 2 years ago.  Her teachers had such nice things to say about our Little Girl and as they announced she was "ready for kindergarten" and went over the checklists of physical and social and and verbal and emotional and behavioral skills and how she well she was doing in these areas, I couldn't help but again be completely washed in awe for our God! 

This is a little girl who lived the first 3 years of her life in a 3rd world country, who suffered from malnutrition, who lost her first family, who lived a total of 13 months in 2 different orphanages, who was adopted as a 3 year old and moved to a different country with a completely different culture and language to live in a family who were strangers to her!

And to think now just 2 years later she is on par or exceeding the abilities of her peers who were born and raised in America, have spoken the language since birth and were privy to the best nutrition (even starting with prenatal vitamins!), medical care, and stability of their birth family!  It is amazing!  Only God!

When I think back to the tiny orphan we first saw pictures of:

 To the first moment we laid eyes on her in Ethiopia:

To that room she lived in for a year with the cribs lining the walls:

 

Sometimes it is honestly so hard to believe my Little Girl today is that same little girl:

 

 Our God is a God who redeems lives!

"Blessed be the LORD, the God of Israel, who alone does wondrous things." Psalm 72:18

One Question

I want to share one question I heard at my Bible study this week and have been thinking about since:

What if God only gave you tomorrow the things you thanked Him for today?

Find more Thankful Thursday here.

What's new?

It's a new year!

I know this because in the last 6 days I've exercised 4 times, done some organizing, am already behind on my read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan, and have had more than one green smoothie!  All that can only mean one thing, it's the first week in January!

The new year is so like a set of empty storage bins, the possibilities are endless!

In this new year what's new here on the It Feels Like Chaos blog?  (Hint: If you are reading this in a reader, click over to the blog to see.)

I know!  It was more than time for an updated blog header!  Nothing like being 2 years late to allow my header to reflect our family of 6 rather than 5!  And while I do think the change is better, it's not perfect.  I am not a blog designer.  But, the imperfection?  It suits us here at It Feels Like Chaos.  Perfect would not feel like home!

We rang in the new year in our traditional style with sparklers and sparkling apple cider (that Little Girl insisted on calling "wine", no matter how many times I corrected her -- if you are her preschool teacher, just know we did not actually give her wine although I'm sure she will tell you we did!).

But, in this new year, what really matters are the new things the Lord has for us.  Because He's always up to something new:

"Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

So, I'm not only asking questions like what to fill my empty storage bins with, but what does God want me to fill 2014 with?

Happy New Year, Friends!  If you are like me and have already broken a resolution, remember that truly every day is a new day. "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

Christmas Gifts that Require No Shopping!

As I finally finish my Christmas shopping just today, my children remind me of the heart of Christmas:

The handmade gifts they've carefully created and lined up under the tree.

"And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, 'Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'"  Matt 18:2-3

The Race To Christmas

The race is on. 

Christmas is 23 days away!

Oh, the frenzy!

It ALL must be done and bought and opened and baked and eaten and experienced!

Until the big day is over, chopped down and hauled off, like our Christmas tree at the farm yesterday.

But, wait!

What is Christmas all about?

Matthew 1:21, "She will bear a son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for He will save his people from their sins."

God sent His Son into the world as a baby to suffer and die for our sins so that we might be saved!

Jesus, the King and Savior of the world was born in a stable and laid in a manger.  What a different scene from the glitz and gild of a department store display!

Each year we as a family are mindful to celebrate the real meaning of Christmas, but this year we're also slowing down, pulling more out of the race, declining some Christmas party invitations, so there will be more time for Christ to fill our Christmas.

"When they saw the star, they rejoiced exceedingly with great joy."  Matthew 2:10

Grace For Those Days

Originally published November 2012:

It was one of those days.  You know, THOSE days.  The kind where you are just done, DONE by 7pm.  The kind of days as a mother when you see your children less as the precious, adorable gifts that they are, and more as the most annoying people on earth.  The kind of day when there was such a string of frustrating events that you just want to get in bed and pull the covers up over your head, but you can't, because there are four children to put to bed and your husband is working late or out of town.

Somehow we made it through baths and pajamas and teeth brushing and lotion.  I was short with everyone, impatient, and just no fun at all.  Whereas many days I might delight in their stories and antics, today it all just brought irritation.  I could not wait to get them in bed!  But first it was storytime and Little Girl reached to pick a book from the 3rd shelf, the one with the longer books, "No, pick one from the bottom shelf."  I quickly corrected.  The bottom shelf has the board books, the super short, one sentence per page with a total of 8 to 10 pages.  

I read too fast, hastily turned off the light, started her music, and settled Little Girl in my lap with her blanket to rock for a few minutes.  On this night there were no feelings of awe or thankfulness for this little girl who we were desperately trying to bring home from Ethiopia this time last year.  I just wanted her to go to sleep.

I said a very quick prayer and then she asked, "Can I pray?"  I sighed way too audibly.  I mean wasn't it just a stall tactic?  But a very advanced tactic for a 4 year old because who can deny a child who asks to pray?  

"Go ahead" I said wearily.  

And she prays (she used her own name in the place of "Little Girl" but since I don't share my kids real names on this blog, I'm substituting), "Dear God, thank you that Little Girl is so happy in her family."

And suddenly I can't breathe.  God's mercy and grace pouring down.  She prayed thanking God that she is so happy in her family!

"Oh Lord, I don't deserve this!"  Really, I don't.  I deserve her to pray, "God, next time please give me a nicer Mommy."  That's what I deserve.

It's why I cringe when people tell my husband and me how great we are for adopting Little Girl.  Because we are not great.  It is God who is great.  Our Little Girl is thriving despite us.  God did that.  He set her in our family and He is an amazing healer and creator of families!  We fail so many times in so many ways, like on my "choose a book from the short-book shelf" night.  We run out of energy and patience and thankfulness and get caught up in our own selfishness.  But, God?  He is good.  All the time.  Even on THOSE days.  Especially on THOSE days.

When Life Feels Hard

There have been some especially hard things in my life lately, big, ugly situations that are not my fault, yet I must deal with them.  Those situations combined with tons of busyness has made it super important for me to focus on that which is good.  

There is a whole lot of good, some days I just have to remind myself more to look for it.  You know, "Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. . ."

So, let's focus on the positive, 

Like the one square foot of my house that IS clean.

Sisters in matching pajamas:

(That is the one clean spot in my house!  Okay so maybe, it's 3 square feet!)

God's mercies, new every morning.  And several perfectly timed reminders this week that through Jesus we are more than conquerors even though we may face trials here on this earth!

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."  Romans 8:37

Parenting in the Wake of September 11th

It seems really odd to me that my children will never really understand September 11th.

That infamous, tragic September 11th was 12 years ago, my children were not alive yet. I know this logically, but conceptually it's just hard to imagine people who don't know what that day was like because they didn't live it. People who can learn about the facts but it will be without the memories of their own personal horror and fear and sorrow and experience that day.

I think of what I, now as a parent, want my children to know about September 11th, but more deeply I think of how I want to parent my children knowing their generation may have their own September 11th.

Would my children as young men and women have the courage to run up the stairs of those burning buildings?

What if my daughters as grown women, married with 2 children and a 3rd on the way were suddenly widowed?

What if my children came face to face with an evil so strong it threatened many, many lives?

How would they respond?

What would be their strength? their peace? their comfort? their hope?

And am I doing enough today to teach them about the only God who will never leave them, who loves them with an everlasting love, who can slay giants, who can save and redeem their lives so that they're ready if and when their world is rocked to the core one beautiful, sunny day.

For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." Zeph. 3:17

*Originally published on September 8, 2011

What is Love?

I have a friend who is an adoptive mom and she shared with me recently that very often her little boy who has been home over 2 years, tells her, "I don't love you, Mommy."

It's a painful thing to hear for sure and a scenario that is even more complicated in the dynamic of a child who is still testing his relationship with his adoptive mom.

But, what creates a lump in my throat every time I think about it is what my friend replies back to this little boy every time he tells her he doesn't love her, "That's okay, you don't have to love me, but, I love you very much and I always will!"

That, my friends, is unconditional love, only made possible by Jesus shining so brightly through this dear woman of God!

And it reminded me of this post I published on October 5, 2011 (the 4 year old I spoke of is now 6 and the Ethiopian daughter is now home and KNOWS we are her family!):

Recently as I was putting my 4 year old son down for a nap, I kissed him and said, “I love you.” He said, “I love you, too.” That exchange happens often, but then he asked me a question that stopped me cold.

“Would you love me even if I didn’t love you?”

It was a good question. A big question for anyone to ask of another human being, much less to come from a 4 year old.

I began my answer to my little guy like many parents probably would, "Of course I'd love you! No matter what, I'll always love you, even if you did not love me."

But because we've been in this process to adopt a little girl from Ethiopia for over 2 years, it's something we've talked about for so long that my 4 year old son probably does not remember life before adoption was a regular family topic of conversation, I was also able to illustrate it for him like this, "You know (insert name of our Ethiopian daughter here)? She doesn't love us right now, she doesn't even know we are her family, but we love her, right?"

And oh how we love her! How we desperately want her home with us!

But, we do not love her because she loves us.

We love her because she was created by God in His image and because hers was the picture He predestined to have flash up from an email onto our computer screen that wonderful referral day.

We love her because that is how God first loved us, when we didn't love Him.

"In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another."
1 John 4:9-11

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19