When I'm Not Here

So, I've been a bit MIA from the blog lately.  Everything is fine, well, actually it's chaos, but that's normal around here.  The reason for the lack of blogging is that my volunteer job as a Child Advocate has been taking up a lot of my time.

On Friday I had to laugh at myself and snap this picture what with two computers set up and my case file spread over the floor (when children are in CPS care for 7 years, the case file tends to get kinda large).  I was typing an email on one computer and referencing a 120 page document on the other computer.  I was fielding phone calls from the CPS caseworker and leaving messages for the children's attorney.  It was a busy, but productive, day!

We go to court again this week and then I'm hoping things slow down a bit.  But honestly, the two children I'm fighting for are worth every minute of time, even when it feels like I don't have any more of it to give.  Working to get these two kids out of foster care and into a loving home is a great privilege and I'm humbled that God has allowed me a part.

P.S.  By the way, that loving home we're so close to for these kids?  Is not my home.  Just so nobody gets any crazy ideas! 

Joining Hands

Martin Luther King, Jr. had a dream that  "little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers."

In some ways, I am living that dream, every day in my own home.  It is a privilege I do not take lightly.

But, walking that out, is tricky at times.  As a mother to both white and black children, I want so much for their skin color not to matter, but then I see how sometimes it does.  And the most compassionate thing is not ignoring that reality or saying it isn't a thing, but empathizing with it.

Last week I got an email from my daughter's kindergarten teacher, one that went out to all the parents about what the kids would be learning that week.  When I saw they were "learning all about Martin Luther King," I sucked in my breath, my stomach kind of flopped, and my palms began to sweat.  Not at all because I didn't want them to learn about Martin Luther King, Jr., I've played the speeches for my kids at home, we read books about the civil rights movement, and talk freely about skin color.  My 3 older kids have all learned about MLK at this public school.  But, my older 3 kids are white and it feels different when they learn about the civil rights movement than when my youngest daughter, who is black, learns about the civil rights movement.

The difference is that when my white children hear the message of MLK, I believe (and hope) they hear that you should not judge anyone based on the color of their skin, but rather the content of their character.  But, when my black daughter hears the message of MLK, I fear that she will hear that there was a time not so long ago in our country when people with her skin color were seen as less than because of the color of their skin.  And they had to fight for the right to be treated like everyone else.  Which, of course, makes me worried that she will then begin to feel less than.

We've not focused so much (or at all) yet on slavery or other more hideous aspects of black history with our 6 year old daughter and although I know she will have to know some day, as her mom, my desire is to shelter her from that.

I met up today with a friend who is white and raising a black son, she had just seen the movie Selma, which I have not yet seen.  I shared with her my fears about what my daughter was picking up on from black history lessons and she nodded, sucked in her breath in a way I know so well, and confessed that she is glad her son doesn't fully understand it all right now.  It made me feel less crazy to see my feelings echoed in another mama who is living the dream.

The Martin Luther King, Jr. teaching seems to have been done very well for my kindergartener, focusing mostly on that he wanted children of all skin colors to work and play together in peace, rather than just focusing on black people as the marginalized group.

And today, my 6 year old daughter was reciting parts of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s I Have A Dream speech to anyone who would listen!

So, we're going to keep walking this thing out, with compassion for people of all skin colors, praying for change, and doing whatever we can to be the change we'd like to see in the world.

Baby Pictures

Ah, baby pictures.  We all have them of ourselves as chubby little babies and we all treasure the tons we have of our own precious babes!  

Only that's not the case for everyone.  Many children who lost their first families, and are orphans or have been adopted, do not have baby pictures.  No sweet images of their babyhoods!

I stood up in a court room last Thursday and fought for two precious children from my Child Advocates case, children who have been without family for far too long.

It was not easy, there was opposition to my recommendations.  But, I had many friends praying for the situation, for God to give the judge wisdom.  And an hour into the hearing when it really began looking like things were not going in the direction I wanted and truly believe is best for these two children, I prayed right there in the courtroom standing before the judge (silently, of course).  And God worked in His mighty way! After a short recess we came back and the judge granted my recommendations for a plan for these children to give them what every child should have, family!

Outside the courtroom, as we worked out the details of visitation with a family member who the children have not seen in years, she asked the kids if they had any questions for her.  The 10 year old boy sheepishly asked, "Do you have any baby pictures of me?"

Oh, my heart!  Sweet boy who has been through so much!  But, God is a God of restoration.  And this relative DOES have baby pictures!

May all children have families to cherish them.

The Best Gifts To Give This Season

This year I the fun privilege of buying Christmas gifts for the two children on my Child Advocates case, children who have been in the foster care system for years!  Children who told me they got nothing for their last birthdays, before I was assigned their case.  Children who only got clothes last Christmas at a different foster home.

Well, NOT THIS YEAR!

No, sir!

It was my mission to get these kids EXACTLY what they wanted for Christmas, down to the color.  Who knew that the Nintendo 3DS was so popular in BLUE?!  I could have easily gotten one in red or black at Amazon or most other stores and had it shipped to me like I like, but my girl wanted blue, so I stood in line at Walmart (my least favorite store, but the only one with the BLUE 3DS) for an hour to score the gift!

The children who live in my home and call me "Mom," do not get this level of service.  No way would I stress to get them the exact color of an electronic device, but these kids who have been through so much?  Who sometimes feel like nobody cares about them?  You betcha!

Today I carefully wrapped each gift, made sure the brother and sister had an even number of gifts, because, well, I KNOW that is important.  I even took the time for bows:

Then I delivered them to the kids at their foster home.  Oh the joy!!  Seriously, all gift giving ought to be like this!  Please can I never again have to buy for a person who has everything and instead just buy for people who are so over the top excited about their presents?

The kids didn't open their gifts today (the foster mother and I agreed they should save them for Christmas), but they gushed over the wrapped presents for a good half hour none the less, shaking and holding each one trying to guess what was inside!

Many Christmases I've bought gifts for strangers in need.  Angel tree, adopt-a-family, etc. and those are great things, but what was so awesome this year is that I KNOW these kids.  I've spent time with them before Christmas and I know so many details about their history and so I was able to buy them the gifts I know they are going to love and unlike so many other giving-to-the-needy opportunities, I'll still be there for these kids next month.  It's not just about giving at Christmastime, it's about relationship.  As I left we laughed as we said, "I'll see you 2015!"  But, I will.

You know I have a black daughter, right?

There has been so much talk of Ferguson these past few days since the verdict came out and I was inundated with news coverage while at a certain relative's house over Thanksgiving who had the Fox News going non-stop.  I've heard too many opinions on Ferguson from white people.  So, honestly I've struggled with if I should even write about this, but I just can't let it go.

I will try to be brief.

I do not know what really happened the day Mike Brown died.  I am not pointing fingers or taking sides.

But, I can tell you the whole thing feels different when you are the parent of a black child.  Really different.

I know what it feels like to parent white children and now for three years since we adopted our youngest, I am learning what it feels like to parent a black child.

It shouldn't be all that different, right?  Well, except for hair and skin care.  Only, unfortunately, there are things that ARE different because of the way others may judge my black child.

For example, when I just parented white children, it never occurred to me to coach them on what to do if approached by the police.  "Police are your friends, they are your helpers, the safe people," is probably what I said.  And I never thought about going over with my kids about how to conduct themselves in department stores when they are old enough to shop without me.  Things like, "don't put your hands in your pockets," "don't carry a large purse," "always have your receipt with you for things you've bought," "do not dig around in your purse while in the middle of a store."  Because I do not follow those rules myself.

The hard reality that the world may judge my two precious daughters, who decked out in princess attire just yesterday, differently, possibly assuming negative things about my Ethiopian daughter just because she is black, is heartbreaking!  But, it is a reality for her, and thus me, as her mom.

Racism is still a problem in our country.  I recently got a comment from a white person that caused my head to spin around and the only thing I could think to say was, "You know I have a black daughter, right?"

So many people have spoken their minds but I say, don't be so quick to speak your opinions on Ferguson, instead, look within yourself to see if you are in any way part of the problem and find a way to love.

I love the example the 12 year old boy in this picture (click link) gives to the rest of us!

And, in the spirit of developing empathy, here are black moms sharing with white moms about the race talk.

We have a lot to learn!  May God give us wisdom and compassion!

The Ultimate 1st World Problem -- My Dog Groomer is Booked Until January!

The week has flown by, and Saturday is November, which is all kinds of crazy!

______________________

One evening this week while working at my volunteer job as a court appointed special advocate for children in state protective custody, I sat next to a 13 year old girl on the couch in her foster home and she told me in a tone of voice I don't think I'll ever forget, "I just want to be adopted."

It broke my heart into a million pieces!  I am now working to change the situation for this sweet girl and her younger brother, to find them a home where they will be loved, treasured, a place where they can heal from the pain of their past.

______________________

I drove home sadly reflecting on how much children need a family and how the foster home where these two children are placed was meeting their basic needs, but not loving them as a family would. Then I walked into my house to the scene of my husband carving a pumpkin with our 4 pajama-clad children.

There was mess and pumpkin guts and squealing and one brother wiping pumpkin goo on a sister's arm and arguing over the name for the newly created jack-o-lantern, but it was FAMILY!  We were all known and loved and messy and loud, and that's what I want for these 2 children on my case.

______________________ 

In happier news than children without parents, Madeline the dog got a much needed grooming this week.  You can thank me for forgetting to snap a photo before she went in and thus sparing you the vision of the "before" and allowing just the "after":

Because we let the grooming wait too long this time, when I picked up the dog I took the proactive step of scheduling her next grooming appointment and was surprised to find that even on October 29th, they are booked all the way through the first of the new year!  So we have an appointment the 2nd week in January.  Here's a truth that likely reveals something rather pathetic about the state of my life: I can call my hairstylist and get an appointment within a week, yet my dog's hair stylist books up over 2 months in advance!!  

______________________ 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!  Just imagine all the possibilities of what you can do with that extra hour "Fall Back" provides!!  My plan for that hour is lofty, indeed -- sleep!  

Her Ethiopian Brother -- Kidding!

So I shouldn't joke about this, but I can't resist.  Her Ethiopian brother:

 

No, sadly we don't have another Ethiopian living in our home, besides our Little Girl, but we do have a life-size cut-out of an Ethiopian child!

Why?  You might ask.  Well, we are trying to start a carepoint in Ethiopia to provide for 150 impoverished children and we've been given the opportunity to have a booth at our church during the next 2 Sundays to highlight the ministry in Ethiopia, so my husband had this life-size cut-out created from a photo we took of a real-life child at a potential carepoint site we visited during our Ethiopia trip this past August.

We are praying to get some help for that precious little one and so many others!

Now, to keep the cut-out safe from getting messed up by all the kids and the dog who live in our house, my husband put it up on top of a bookshelf in our bedroom.  I know logically that it is not a real person, but that does not stop me from jumping every time I walk into my bedroom.  It startles me every time!

______________________________

I haven't been a very good blogger lately, just not enough time!  My apologies to anyone that follows regularly.  I have several volunteer jobs I'm focusing a lot of time on right now in addition to all the housework and parenting!

______________________________

Speaking of me falling really short, my husband bought me an iPad Mini recently, not really because I wanted one, but because he and our 11 year old son wanted me to have one!  My husband kindly configured my mail on the iPad Mini so that all 3 of my email accounts all empty into the same box (divided by folders).  Yes, I do have 3 Yahoo Mail accounts, doesn't everyone?  There is my email I use for friends and family and my kids' school, then there is my blog email, and finally my "junk" email which is what I give out for on-line purchases.  But, with all three accounts combined, I get to see this demoralizing loveliness taunting me from the screen:

EIGHTY-SIX THOUSAND six hundred and seven unread emails!!  What?  How is that even possible?

Understandably I am a tad OVERWHELMED.   If you've sent me an email in the past few years and not heard back, I am very sorry, you are in the queue, but don't expect a response any time in the next couple decades.

______________________________

Happy Friday, y'all!

When Ebola Comes to Dallas, Texas

I took an infectious diseases class in college where I actually did a term paper on Ebola, that is one of many reasons I've been closely following the heartbreaking outbreak in West Africa.  But, also because Africa has a big piece of my heart.  Ethiopia is on the other side of the continent from the Ebola outbreak; Ethiopia is in East Africa but, still, the healthcare system is extremely lacking.  I've seen the devastation that is inadequate healthcare.

The healthcare problems in Africa are both simple and extremely complex at the same time.  Quite simply, there are not enough doctors.  There are currently more doctors working in Chicago than in all of Ethiopia!  And the complex issues, things like many do attend medical school in Ethiopia but are lured away by job offers from developed nations upon graduation and healthcare is vastly harder where there is improper sanitation and limited access to clean water and electricity.

The health system is so vastly different than what we have access to here in America.  One statistic that dramatically highlights the differences:  just 6% of births in Ethiopia are attended by a skilled health worker while in America 98.75% of births are in a hospital!  So, in Ethiopia large numbers of women and babies still die in childbirth.

I feel like we in America have said for too long, "It's not our problem" regarding flailing healthcare in African countries.  But the reality is that we are not as isolated as our arrogance might suggest, only a plane ride or two away as the Ebola case in Dallas, Texas reveals.  

If anything good can come out of the devastation of this Ebola outbreak, let it be that nations who have so much give a bigger hand up to those that have so little.

Two people in the picture below, my husband and me, happened to be born in a nation of plenty, and the 100 or so others in the picture, mostly children, happened to be born in a country of great poverty where so many struggle for basics like food, water, and medical care.  We were all created in the very image of God.

Meeting One of Our Sponsored Kids in Ethiopia

While we were in Ethiopia, we got to meet one of our sponsored kids.

Tsion is 12 years old.  Her father has passed away and her mother is sick.  Tsion was sick, too, before an amazing organization called Lelt Foundation stepped in to help her.  Now she is a happy, healthy 12 year old girl who was one of just a few children recently selected to attend a semi-private school because she is so smart!  We give money each month to help provide food, medical care, and education for Tsion, and we exchange letters.

Recently Tsion wrote me "If I had super powers, I would create a medicine to relieve all HIV sufferers all over the world of their pain."  Reading that I just wanted to hug her!

It is important to me that the children we sponsor know how much we care about them and that we not only send money but think of them from America and pray for them.  I want them to know they are loved, by us and by God.  So, it is huge when we get to meet one of our sponsored kids in person.  I think it adds a whole other big dimension to the relationship to get to see each other face to face!  We met one of our sponsored boys in Ethiopia 3 years ago and this trip we were blessed to get to meet Tsion!

Oh, happy day:

Our oldest son, my husband, Tsion, and me:

Family that will never live under the same roof, but family none the less!

It was so wonderful to get to see her, to hug her, learn more about her, and get to tell her how proud we are of her!  She is such a sweet, sweet girl.  It is a privilege to be a part of her life!

What Time Zone Is It?

My lack of much blogging this week is absolutely related to the fact that my body has no idea what time zone it is in.  Since returning from Ethiopia, which is 8 hours ahead of my home time, I have this exhaustion that hits at 8 or 9pm every night, a time that is typically a high-energy time for me as I am a night-owl.  I am also waking up at 5am every day, but since I am not a morning person by nature I really just have no idea what a person is to do at 5am.  Maybe I should just start blogging at 5am!

Nearly the whole time we were in Ethiopia I had no trouble falling asleep at night but I'd wake up around 1am wide awake and not be able to go back to sleep for hours!

But the sleep woes are a small price to pay for what was such an amazing trip!

Walking into a care point in rural Ethiopia to see so many children lined up singing for us is something I will never forget!

Playing soccer with this happy band of giggling kids is one of my favorite memories of the trip:

And this monkey eating an ice cream cone?  Priceless!!

 Although he is a very naughty monkey because he stole that ice cream from a little girl eating outside at a restaurant.  But, the waiter brought her another one.  And the monkey ate that thing just like you or I would, first licking the ice cream on top and then eating the cone -- truly amazing to watch!!   In Ethiopia, monkeys run wild and seem to be like squirrels are to us where we live.  It was just us outsiders that were mesmerized by the monkeys, the locals were like, "So what?  We see them all the time and really they are just pests!"

But, the reason we went to Ethiopia and the reason we'll keep going back and keep giving to reputable organizations helping people in Ethiopia, is illustrated by this:

You don't come face to face with children like that and not leave changed.  In the words of my 11 year old son when asked what he thought about his time with the children in the sites where we hope there will be care points, "It makes me want to help them."

Happy Friday Friends! 

If She Had Superpowers

The 13 year old girl we sponsor in Ethiopia recently wrote us, "If I had super powers, I would create a medicine to relieve all HIV sufferers all over the world of their pain."

Oh, don't you just want to hug her?

She has a beautiful smile and was just accepted into a new elite school program because she is so smart.  AND, God just got the logistics worked out so that we'll get to meet her soon when we travel to Ethiopia!!  I am so excited to be able to hug her and tell her in person how proud we are of her!!

The photos below are from our first trip to Ethiopia 3 years ago when we got to meet Mathews, another of our sponsored children.  Meeting him was such an amazing, surreal experience.  I will never, ever forget it!  Praying everything works out as planned for us to meet Tsion this time!

When the Foster Child Goes to College

This evening I spent a few hours downtown at the Juvenile Justice Center as part of my volunteer work as a court appointed special advocate (CASA) for children in the foster care system. 

My favorite aspect of the particular courtroom I was in, is the unwritten rule, "Don't sit in the front row as that is where the prisoners sit!"

That's some GOLDEN advice right there, folks!  'Cause there's just nothing like sitting next to someone for a good half hour before you realize they are actually CHAINED to the bench, which may or may not have happened to me when I was a rookie volunteer 12 years ago!

But, in all seriousness, I want to share a true story a judge shared with my group tonight.  He was talking about a policy that the state of Texas has had for a few years now where they pay the college tuition for former foster children to be able to attend a state university and even graduate school if they complete it within a certain number of years.  

Obviously this is a great and much-needed thing, but it is not enough.

This judge told us about a young woman he knew of who was in foster care for many years, aged out at age 18 and was one of the rare successful ones who actually used the state money to pay for her college and even her graduate degree, but when the dorm closed for Christmas she had nowhere to go and often ended up sleeping in her car.

Y'all, it makes my heart hurt just thinking about that college student with NO FAMILY, nowhere to go for the holidays!

My state is working on some things to do better by these kids, because really WE MUST DO BETTER, turning kids out on the streets from foster care when they turn 18 just is not working.  Many of those kids go on to be homeless, caught up in prostitution, in jail, or have children of their own in CPS custody within just a few years!

My new role with CASA that I'm gearing up for will be with older kids.  It's going to be a stretch for me as I'm used to little ones, little ones I know, but if there's a teenager out there with NO ONE that cares about them, then I'm going to be that person even if its hard for me.  Because they are worth it.  I don't even know them yet, but I know God created them in his very image and loves them just as much as He loves me!

Keeping a Blog Comes In Handy Sometimes

I have seen people who are super organized.  I just met a woman this week who kept a paper log of every wet and dirty diaper her infant had for the first two months (AND it was her SECOND child -- NO WAY!  P.S.: Don't ask how this fun fact came up in conversation.)  Then there are people who keep detailed records of every doctor's appointment they or their children have.

I am not one of those people.

I think I made it about 5 days of recording every wet and dirty diaper for my FIRST baby.  Then by my 2nd baby I couldn't even keep track for the 2 days I was in the hospital after she was born, the nurses would come by and ask and my husband and I would make up answers so we didn't seem like bad parents, but honestly we'd forgotten to record a diaper in the middle of the night!

So it should come as no surprise that when I was on the phone today with the travel medicine clinic regarding our upcoming trip to Ethiopia, I didn't have a record of the date we had our last round of Ethiopia travel vaccinations!

But, WAIT!  HOLD UP! 

Didn't I blog about that?

A quick 5 second search of the good ole blog revealed the EXACT date of our last travel vaccinations AND how many shots we got -- so handy!!

From September 20, 2010: 



147 million orphans in the world

our family's mission?

to make it 147 million MINUS ONE!

1 Day off school on Friday

1 Appointment at the Travel Medicine Clinic

15 shots between the 4 of us

the 3 year old will not be going to Ethiopia (so no shots for him)

20 hours on an airplane with him would = nightmare for all involved!

5 shots for my husband + an oral typhoid vaccine taken at home

5 shots for me + an oral typhoid vaccine taken at home

3 shots for my 7 year old

2 shots for my 5 year old

0 days the kids were in pain after the shots

2 days my husband and I needed Tylenol to even remotely be able to lift either arm!

1 little girl in Ethiopia we have never met, but still know she's way more than worth it!!! We don't know when, but we're coming, Baby!


**Updated:  That Little Girl in Ethiopia is now home and has been for well over 2 years and she IS way more than worth it!

Why We Are Going Back to Ethiopia

She just HAD to wear it to her gymnastics class last week.  

The dress that was packed away in a box in the top of my closet.

The dress I agreed she could wear into gymnastics over her leotard but had to take off before the actual gymnastics began.

The dress was at least 3 sizes too small.

The dress was the one she wore when she left the orphanage nearly 2 and a half years ago.

The dress that was given to her by the lady in the orphanage who was her special caregiver.

 I know, it makes my heart hurt, too!

You see these past few weeks my Little Girl has been wanting to talk a lot about Ethiopia and she has shared some things about her life there before she joined our family that she had never told me before.

I don't know if it is her age now or emotional development or something about how secure she feels in our family, but she has begun talking about things we weren't sure if she'd ever talk to us about or if she even remembered.

What she has told us is not really different from much of what we already knew, but hearing her say it and share specific details we never told her, is a very new thing.

It has been so good and simultaneously so hard for this mama's heart!

I am so glad she feels comfortable and safe enough to tell me these things.  I am privileged to walk this journey of healing with her, one that will continue over the course of her entire life, ebbing and flowing as she grows up and processes things differently.

But, I am her mommy.  And mommies don't like sad and tragic things to happen to their babies!  Hearing my Little Girl tell about things no child should have to go through makes me hurt on a whole new level for her.  Which is a good thing.

I told her recently after she shared something (Remember we are keeping the specific details of her story private.  It is her story to share with others when and if she is ever ready.) about her past, "I wish I could have been there.  I wish I could have been there to make it better for you."

But, while I couldn't be there for my Little Girl then, I can be there for her now and I am so grateful for that.

AND I can be there for other children.  To keep similar things from happening to them.

THAT is why we partnered a little over a year ago with a care point run by Children's Hopechest in Ethiopia, a new one just getting started.  To help prevent children from becoming orphans, to provide for them through a local church with food, medical care, education, and best of all teaching about Jesus!

This summer I'll travel with my husband and 11 year old son half-way across the world so that we can stand eye to eye with Ethiopian mommies who don't like sad and tragic things to happen to their babies any more than American mommies do.  And hug their beautiful children who don't deserve to starve or suffer from sickness, or loose a parent due to a preventable illness, or wander around the streets looking for food, children who hopefully won't have to become orphans.  We can kiss cheeks and hold hands and play with kids and see the care point as it stands today and dream along with the rest of team about what could be.  A clean water well?  A school?  A library?  A medical clinic?  Scholarships for the brightest students to attend university? 

A better future for this little community in southern Ethiopia! 

We can do for those children what we wish someone would have done for our Little Girl.

Where in the World?

In the past few weeks we've been firming up plans for our summer mission trip.

We went to the Dominican Republic last year with our two oldest children.  

Where will we go this year?

I can tell you, I am over the moon excited about this trip!

There is no place else I'd rather go!! 

Malaria meds will be required.

Only our oldest child will go with us this time as this place will be our most remote trip yet.

We've been to this particular country before, but never the southern region of it.

This country?  Holds a huge piece of my heart!

 More to come on why we are going and what we'll be doing there.

From a Foster Child's Perspective

After doing volunteer work for 10 years with foster children in my area, I can say they have my heart.  I wish they could all have loving homes!  I don't think most people understand what foster children really go through.

Watch this video to get a glimpse.  Be sure to watch all the way to end, it's the best part!

Prejudice in Preschool?

This happened over a month ago, but honestly I'm just now at a place where I can talk about it.  Please know that this is a very personal, delicate situation and I'm only sharing it with the hope that it will help someone else.

For anyone new to my blog, some backstory.  Our family adopted a 3 year old girl from Ethiopia nearly 2 years ago.  Here is a recent picture of my 4 children:

 We are a multiracial, multicultural family.  We knew/know there will be challenges.  But, for the most part people have been lovely and accepting.

We were not so naive to believe that our youngest daughter would never be discriminated against because of the color of her skin.  But, we didn't expect it to start in preschool!

Our Little Girl came home from preschool, one day saying that another child had told her, "I don't like people with brown skin."

That statement as we drove home from school instantly sucked all the air out of the car for me!

As a white person, you hear of discrimination against other races and it is horrifying and makes you sad.  But, you cannot really understand because you have not lived it.  You begin the process of adopting a black child and you read tons of books, talk to people from a variety of races, read blogs, buy baby dolls and Barbies from every shade, begin hunting for children's books where the main character is black, you learn to do kinky-curly hair, go to a black hair salon, cry over Trayvon's death, and you feel like maybe your eyes have been opened.  Then someone tells your child that they are somehow less than because of the color of their skin.  And it's like a sucker punch.  You realize you had NO IDEA!

So what do you do?

Well, we had some different opinions/emotions here at the It Feels Like Chaos household.  

Little Girl?  She was upset and loudly (because that is how she tells everything) retold the story several times that day. 

Me?  I was sad.  I didn't really think it was prejudice, I mean the kids are 5.  I teach 4 and 5 year olds at our church and I know that is the age, especially it seems in the girls, of the whole, "Yeah, well I'm not inviting you to my birthday party!"  Kids that age begin playing around with including and excluding.  I believe the child who made the comment was just doing that rather than expressing any deep-seated dislike of one particular race.  But, it made me sad that Little Girl now had a reason to think her brown skin was somehow bad.  And I worried she would internalize that feeling and it would stay with her through life.  I also may have told my husband I wanted to move.  We live in a pretty diverse area with people who are originally from China, India, Vietnam, Latin America, Africa, as well as all parts of the U.S., but there is not a high percentage of black people in our community.  And I worry about Little Girl growing up in the minority and sometimes think it would be easier if we moved to a community where my white children were in the minority.

My 10 year old son?  He heard Little Girl telling the story of what the child had said to her.  I asked him, "What would you tell your sister about someone saying that to her?"  His answer surprised me (and also made me a little proud of his protective big brother instincts).  He said, "Maybe I should go pay that child who said that a visit."  I was like, "What would you say to them?"  And he said, "I'd have a speech all written out."

My husband had a similar reaction.  He felt we should let the child's parents and the teachers know what had been said.

I really did not think the answer was to focus on the one child who made the comment because it was a symptom of something bigger.  And there would likely be others.  I thought we should focus on empowering our girl, maybe she could even label it when someone said something like that to her in the future and say, "That is not kind!  That is discrimination!"  And my girl has a big, strong personality so I thought she could handle those words.  And at the very least her words would alert a nearby teacher to what was going on.

Thankfully, we acted on nearly none of our instincts!

Instead, we contacted friends.  We are friends with a black couple who have adopted a white son, so we are sharing the journey of being multiracial families!  My husband has lunch with the man periodically so he emailed him right away and asked, "If it were your daughter, what would you do?"

His answer was, "tell the other kid, 'it's okay, I like everybody.  People with all skin colors are nice.' And walk away.  Tell your daughter that she doesn't have to play with the other kid if she didn't want to.  We'd also tell her that some people may not like her, but that's ok, and that she should like everyone regardless of how they look.  It's a tough conversation she won't fully comprehend for years, but she can understand enough to spare her feelings right now.  Just love on her and let her know she's beautiful and special."

I'm so thankful to have the wisdom of these friends!  And as we were reminded afresh with the eulogies to Nelson Mandela, forgiveness and reconciliation are the best answers.

So, we took our friends' advice and had a sweet conversation with our Little Girl.  But, also . . .

As God would have it (I don't believe in luck or chance), I was signed up to read to my Little Girl's preschool class the very next week!

Can you guess what kind of books I chose to read?

Ha!

This one is my favorite:

Shades of People

The book describes people as being shades, not colors, things like creamy, ivory, sandy, peach, coffee, cocoa, copper, tan, pink, rose, almond, and bronze.  It has tons of beautiful pictures of children's faces.  The best line in the book is when it says, "Our skin is just our covering, like wrapping paper. And, you can't tell what someone is like from the color of their skin."

I emailed the teacher ahead of time to give her a heads up about what I was going to do and it also conveniently let her know about what had gone on in the classroom without pointing fingers (I didn't tell which child made the comment) and hopefully without seeming like the mom who is always complaining to the teacher about what goes on in the classroom.  The teachers were very supportive of my reading the book and I ended up donating it to the classroom and it is now a permanent fixture in their book corner.

I am also thankful that Little Girl has some great role models in her life who have brown skin.  Her fabulous dance teacher who recently quit teaching school to be a dance teacher full-time, also the owner of the dance studio is a black woman, Little Girl's swim teacher is a black man, and my 6 year old's first grade teacher is black, oh and the President of the United States of America!

Just a quick aside since many white people think it is a respectful term, from what I hear from black people, most don't really like the term "African American".  "Just call me black," one lady told a group of adoptive parents I am a part of.  Unlike my Ethiopian daughter, many black people have never lived in Africa and to say they are "African American" makes them feel somehow less "American" than if we just dropped the "African" part of that.

And now a month later?  My Little Girl considers the child who made the comment her friend.  They play together.

We're learning.  It's painful at times.  But, it is good and we are so grateful for the journey.  God is refining us!


Find more Thankful Thursday here.