Parenting in the Wake of September 11th

It seems really odd to me that my children will never really understand September 11th.

That infamous, tragic September 11th was 12 years ago, my children were not alive yet. I know this logically, but conceptually it's just hard to imagine people who don't know what that day was like because they didn't live it. People who can learn about the facts but it will be without the memories of their own personal horror and fear and sorrow and experience that day.

I think of what I, now as a parent, want my children to know about September 11th, but more deeply I think of how I want to parent my children knowing their generation may have their own September 11th.

Would my children as young men and women have the courage to run up the stairs of those burning buildings?

What if my daughters as grown women, married with 2 children and a 3rd on the way were suddenly widowed?

What if my children came face to face with an evil so strong it threatened many, many lives?

How would they respond?

What would be their strength? their peace? their comfort? their hope?

And am I doing enough today to teach them about the only God who will never leave them, who loves them with an everlasting love, who can slay giants, who can save and redeem their lives so that they're ready if and when their world is rocked to the core one beautiful, sunny day.

For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs." Zeph. 3:17

*Originally published on September 8, 2011

Help Your Child Learn to Sit Still!

I posted yesterday about the energy level and enthusiasm (um, yeah, we'll call it enthusiasm) of our 4 year old Little Girl.  Little Girl CANNOT be still!  Or so I thought up until a couple weeks ago.

She's always bouncing around or running or dancing or doing forward rolls or standing on her head (yes, literally!).  So it was really no surprise to me what I saw when I peered in the window of her pre-K classroom right before pick up time the first week of school.  I saw 13 children perfectly sitting criss-cross applesauce on the rug in a semi-circle around the teacher who was reading to them and Little Girl was also in the circle but rather than sitting nicely she was bobbing up and down in excitement, rocking back and forth on her knees, even jumping up to point at pictures in the book!  Her behavior didn't surprise me in the least, but the contrast to the other children did.

"Oh dear!" I thought.  "We are going to have to get this sitting still thing down before kindergarten next year!"

Little Girl was adopted from Ethiopia at age 3, she's now 4, almost 5.  I've learned a lot these past few years about children from "hard places" and one thing is that the kids are very often labeled as ADHD but only a few truly should be, the rest struggle with hyperarousal where they get so keyed up and then have trouble calming down and regulating their emotions.  Did you know that trauma even in utero can change a child's brain?  It can.  The stress causes the child's brain to release more hormones like adrenaline and cortisol which then speed up heart rate and breathing and cause muscles to tense up.  Over time these stress hormones can cause dysregulation in children that may last for years after the stress or trauma has ended!

But, there is much good news in brain research.  The children's brains can slowly be rewired over time.  First the children need to feel safe.  Then they can be taught calming skills.  Over time their brain chemistry can change back to more normal levels.

Here's one technique I found after the pre-K epiphany a couple weeks ago to help Little Girl learn to sit still for a few minutes and thus calm herself down.

It's called Strong Sitting (here's an article on it).  My quick explanation is that you practice by having your child sit in the middle of the floor with their legs crossed, their back straight, their hands folded in front of them, and their mouth closed for short periods of time and then once they have success for say 30 seconds sitting nicely and quietly the next time you increase it to 1 minute.  Ultimately a child should be able to sit like this for 1 minute for each year of age.  So my Little Girl is 4 years old so she ought to be able to sit still for 4 minutes.  We are currently at 3 minutes and working up!

Here are some key things about this technique:

- It is not punishment!  You can use it during times your child is acting wild but not like it's a negative consequence more like, "You seem pretty reved up, let's calm down by practicing your strong sitting."

- Make it a game.  Little Girl is so competitive that all I have to say is, "I bet you can't do the strong sitting for 2 minutes."  And she's all, "OH YES I CAN!"

- Set the timer for your goal time and reset it if your child talks or breaks the sitting position.  Again, don't make it sound like a punishment, just matter of factly point out, "Oh, you talked.  Remember you can't talk during your strong sitting.  Try Again!  I'll set the timer over."

- Cheer like crazy for them when they make the goal (even if the goal was just 30 seconds it's an accomplishment for them)!

It's working!  I even shared the term "Strong Sitting" with Little Girl's teachers and the first day they suggested to her that she do her "strong sitting" during storytime, they were amazed at how well she sat.  And best of all, she came out of the classroom so proud to tell me how nicely she sat!  "I was the best one at the strong sitting, Mom!  I did better than all the other kids!"

There is so much hope for these kids from hard places and any high-energy kids who need some extra practice calming themselves!

Find more Works for Me Wednesday here.

Her Big Personality

That picture of her screaming at the clown statue was not staged.  It's just my Little Girl doing life in the very big way that is typical for her!

She is very loving and sweet and she's also loud and silly and feisty and bold and full of energy!  Before we ever met Little Girl, her reputation preceded her.  "She's spunky," we heard over and over again from people who met her in Ethiopia.  Our missions pastor at church, who our family has gotten to know recently, made the amused observation while watching Little Girl, "She's the spoon that stirs the pot," he said with a grin.  I've heard many times people say, "She has A LOT of personality!" or "She just radiates joy!"

It's all true!

And while usually it's fun and well-received, there are times when it's just too much.  I say this as her mother, who is pretty much her polar opposite when it comes to personality!  I am thankful that God made our Little Girl just like she is, and I absolutely believe her big personality helped tremendously with her transition at age 3 from life in an Ethiopian orphanage to life in an American family.  But it's also my job as her mom to help her reign it in a bit when needed.  Tomorrow I'm going to share a strategy we've been using lately that is really helping to calm Little Girl during times when her typical level of energy is not appropriate.  It's a skill that is becoming more and more essential as she gets older!

Do you have a wild child?  Please share what works to help you guys do life.  And stay tuned for our new strategy tomorrow.

Find more Wordful Wednesday here.

Twins with Different Skin!

My girls are taking a jazz dance class together this year.  Today was their first day.  I helped them get dressed in the required attire and jazz shoes and then had to run downstairs to help my 1st grader with a homework question.  My girls came downstairs a few minutes later in their matching jazz outfits loudly chanting a cheer they had just made up.

It went like this:  "We're Twins!  We're Twins!  We're twins with different skin!"

I just couldn't make up that kind of awesome!

_________________________

My 10 year old is now a banker!  His 5th grade teacher has a whole economy worked out for her class and the kids applied for jobs last week.  Of course my son had to try for the highest paid position in the class.  I even had to write him a recommendation letter.  I mentioned the 5 years he has managed his own allowance in the letter!  He gets a salary but then he has to pay rent on his desk, rent on his chair, there is a library fee, a trash fee, and a computer fee.  Also, kids get deducted from their accounts when they don't have their homework or get their agenda signed.

How awesome is his teacher?!!!

'Course when my son was leaving for school the morning the jobs were to be announced, I told him, "Even if you get custodian, you work hard as if you are serving God with your work." 

 I do have to say, as his mother, he knows a whole lot more about math than he does about cleanliness, so the teacher probably made a good choice!

_________________________

 Happy Friday, Friends!

Find More Friday Fragments here.

Life Lessons I Learned at the Black Hair Salon

I haven't written about the Trayon Martin case on this blog because I didn't want to be part of the controversy.  I don't know what happened the night he died, who was the aggressor.  Really it's hard to know the facts in news stories any more with even the press being dishonest.  All I know is that it makes me sad.  

And while I'm not sure how much race played into that particular case, I do know that the race relations debate that resulted bears some truth and though many conversations were offensive, many were also good. 

As a white mama to a black child, I know that we have come such a long way as a nation in the 50 years since Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have A Dream" speech!  But I also keenly know that we are not there yet.  In this country people are often still judged by the color of their skin.

Before becoming an adoptive parent to my Ethiopian child, I was naively colorblind.  "Skin color does not matter,"  I probably would have told you.  Now I know that while that is a good dream, it is not reality.  And I cannot be a good mother to my black child if I do not acknowledge that she is and will be sometimes judged by her skin color.  That her experiences when she goes somewhere with her white family members may be different than when she goes places by herself.

President Obama said he could have been Trayvon Martin 35 years ago.  While I could not have been Trayvon Martin, I do feel like I could have been his mother.

I hurt with his mom that he is gone.  I hurt for the friends I have who have black sons and sat them down after hearing news of Trayvon's death and instructed them to "Never run through a neighborhood!"  I hurt for my own 4 year old Little Girl and fear the day she is old enough to understand and feel the sting of discrimination.

I recently switched Little Girl to a dance studio that has many black little girls in the classes.  At our previous dance studio my daughter was the only black child in her class, one of the few in the whole studio.  I found this other studio which is actually closer to our house and am excited for Little Girl to have a place to go where she is not in the minority but where many of the little girls look like she does.  I am also happy that the owner and founder of the studio is a black woman and a mother of three and can serve as a woman my little girl can look up to.  And in another good reversal, my white daughter will also be taking dance at this studio, yet she will be in the minority!

While not always comfortable, embracing some of the differences of my black daughter, rather than ignoring them or pretending they are not there, has been a growth experience for our entire family.  So much so that my 6 year old recently lamented that he, "wished his skin was not white because you have to worry about sunburns!"

Then there was the time recently when I took Little Girl to get a hair cut.  I shake my head looking back now on how nervous I was taking my youngest daughter to a black hair salon for the first time.  I knew with my Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost white skin I'd stick out like a sore thumb.  I worried that the ladies there would be condescending to me about Little Girl's hair, tell me I'd been doing everything wrong.  I worried they'd feel sorry for her for having a white mama.

I couldn't have been more wrong!  I parked in front and immediately noticed the Trayvon Martin sign and the first thought that popped into my head was "These are my people!" because the whole case with Trayvon Martin hurt my heart, too.  And some of my nerves began to calm.  I did still pray for Jesus to be near as I grabbed little girl's hand and walked in.

I was the only white person in the shop for the entire hour we were there but everyone could not have been nicer to me or to Little Girl!  The hairstylist we got is also the shop owner and she even commented on how healthy Little Girl's hair felt (which I totally took as a pat on the back for how I've cared for it rather than a condemnation of my care which I feared).

Little Girl really loved getting her hair washed in the special sink!

THEN the stylist and I began to talk about adoption and she told me she'd like to adopt.  She then proceeded to share with me about losing her only child, a son, as a young infant due to a genetic disorder several years ago.  My heart broke for her and we visited as two mothers, two women, about blessings and pain and life and hope. By the time I left we were friends.

I re-learned a life lesson that day in that black hair salon.  In all my worry that I'd be too different, too much of an outsider in that setting, I forgot something so key.  The ways we are the same are the things that really matter.

Celebrate the differences, but focus on where we are the same, that stuff is far more important.

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Really the tooth fairy ought to expect this sort of thing from us by now.  

No tooth under the pillow, we are not capable of keeping track of those tiny things once they fall out of our mouths, just a note asking for money. . .


























Find more Wordful Wednesday here.

Weird and Wacky Adventures

This weekend my husband and I planned some mystery field trips for our kids because it's just fun to load the kids up in the car and refuse to tell them where we're going!

First up, the beer can house.

Yes, you heard me right.  The beer can house.  Right smack in the middle of an otherwise normal looking neighborhood!  I think my family's reaction below is probably the same as most people's as they stare and wonder, "What?"  "Why?"

You'll be happy to know that nobody lives in the beer can house, it's just a tourist attraction now, but amazingly a couple did live there at one time!  The husband slowly transformed their normal house into this display of art.  I mean we all tolerate some strange things our spouses do but that woman deserves an award for her level of tolerance!

Next stop on the wacky tour:  The Orange Show

Which is not a show at all, but a place that appears to be an old, abandoned amusement park/circus, only it was never a functioning amusement park/circus but rather built to look exactly as it does!

All very strange, but our kids had fun exploring it!  And broadened their definition of "art".

Then we stopped for dinner before going to watch 300,000 bats fly out of a bridge near downtown.  We set out our blanket on the side of a hill next to the bridge, waited, and sure enough just after sunset tons and tons of bats did fly out from under that bridge, just like they do every night.  Who knew that was happening right here in our own city?  Creepy and cool!

Then today we started up again with a field trip to downtown.  We'd heard of a mysterious red button on a bridge over the bayou that you could press to create a big bubble in the water below, otherwise known as "burping the bayou".  

We took our kids to the bridge telling them we were looking for a button but we didn't know where it was or what exactly it did.  They found the button and were a little nervous about pushing it, not knowing what would happen.  

Finally, the oldest stepped up and pressed it.

The large bubble in the bayou below:

We ended the adventures with a walk through the fountains:

Because our city may be weird and wacky but it's also WARM!

How was your weekend?  Did you do anything strange?