Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Works for me Wednesday: Just Stop


Next week's Works For Me Wednesday is "Mom, I'm Bored" Summer Edition: Share your best tips to keep boredom at bay. I planned for my post this week and next to feature our family's Summer Fun List in 2 parts, but then God brought something else to my attention to use my Works for Me Wednesday spot for this week. So, next week will be our summer fun list all in one post.

I am very new to blogging and the fact that a few hundred people I've never met in real life will visit on some days (especially WFMW days) and actually read what I have to say still blows me away. Although I may often blog about some of the sillier moments of my life, this position of having a voice and reaching people is not one I take lightly. You can read more about why I blog here, but today I'd like to use this platform for a very important message.

If you are married and you have children and you and your spouse have a terrible relationship, JUST STOP!

Stop having affairs, stop yelling at each other in front of your children, stop any physical violence that may be happening, stop talking about your spouse in a negative light to your children, stop destroying your spouse's things, stop threatening to leave, stop blaming your spouse for everything that is bad about your family, and definitely stop claiming you are staying together for the sake of the children!

If these things are going on in your family, know that it is abusive to your children and that you can make a choice to stop it. Yes, it takes 2 to fight, but it only takes 1 to end a fight. Watch the movie Fireproof for great inspiration on how one person choosing to be selfless can dramatically turn around a relationship.

I know a lady who found out her husband was having an affair when her 3 daughters were in grade school and middle school. She and her husband didn't tell their kids about the affair, but did tell them that Mommy & Daddy were having problems and were working on it. They enlisted in marriage counseling and worked and prayed through their problems and now 15 years later have a wonderful marriage and strong family culture. They made a choice to work through the problem in a healthy way rather than giving up or worse, living together with bitterness, anger and even hatred for one another.

I wish my parents had made that choice.

But instead they had years and years of a terrible marriage (affairs, alcohol problems, fights so bad the police would come) until my junior year in high school when my dad finally packed up his things when no one was home and moved out without telling us goodbye. I was the first one to return home that day and thought the house had been burglarized until I realized only his things were missing.

He was a deacon at our church, my mom was very involved in the community, school functions, etc. We were an every day family on the outside but things were very wrong on the inside. I think the fact that it was our little secret, that the problems were never talked about in the light of day, made things even worse psychologically for my brother and me. It really wasn't until I was a teenager that I realized not all families functioned that way.

Only by the grace of God have I been set free from the legacy of my childhood family. But, the damage cannot all be erased. It affected so much of who I am and my memories of growing up. Years later the sound of a door slamming can still fill me with fear and dread of what is to come.

So, please, make a better choice for your children. Don't think you are taking the high road by staying together for the sake of your children. Heal your marriage for the sake of your children! Make a choice to stop for the sake of your children!


Find more Works for Me Wednesday at We are THAT Family.

18 comments:

  1. What a good word of encouragement!

    Blessings to you!

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  2. Amen, amen. Thank you for this, it can't be said enough. We have such an impact on our kids, and too many parents are short-sighted and selfish and it's just so sad :(

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  3. So true...thank you for sharing your story!

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  4. Great advice! I've been thinking the same thing lately and yes, that is all it takes. Just Stop! And the 40-day Love Dare is really helpful in the process too!!

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  5. I loved Fireproof....

    I am so grateful that God has blessed me with a strong marriage. We have had our shares of valleys, but always came up "on top" stronger than before.

    The enemy's job is to divide and destroy...and yes.....I too encourage couples to seek good Christian counsel during their trials and press forward to God.

    A great visual that someone presented to me about marriage and the importance of keeping God at the top.
    Picture a triangle.....God at top and the husband and wife at bottom corners. As we travel and seek God (going up the sides).....we get closer to each other along the way.

    Great inspiring post.....God bless you!
    xox

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  6. Great post! And congrats for being #1 on WFMW!
    ~Liz

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  7. Thanks for being very real and open on your blog. I like to think of myself as a child of a healed marriage instead of as a child of a bad marriage. My parents are still married after several major "incidences." My mom spent years of her life just praying for the man who didn't "love her anymore." Sometimes I remind my husband he's never getting away from me! Not with the example I have from my mom!

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  8. great advice thanks for putting it out there. I know exactly how you feel my parents would have fights lots of times and I was never sure what to expect or do as a kid

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  9. Thank you for sharing your story! Children pick up on so much, even at young ages. The only thing that I have found that works when my husband and I have issues to deal with is that I have to be the one to change-because I can't change him. Pitty parties and blame get you no where. I love the movie Fireproof!

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  10. What a great post! Sooooo true! I agree 100000%!

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  11. Awesome post! You said everything just right!

    God bless you for having the courage to say it.

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  12. We had a Fireproof couples event at our church in March. I didn't really know what to expect, but we'd do it again in a heartbeat.

    Thank you for tackling this. I've been on an adoption advocacy kick lately (thanks for stopping in!) and intend on addressing that pesky subject of reality TV with multiple children and what people are doing to their kids. Yikes.

    Stop back in! I'd love to see you again!

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  13. I am glad that you were able to learn from the things that happened to you and move them to a positve post to help prevent others from living the same thing!

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  14. I feel like you climbed in my mind and wrote my story. Only my mom was an alcoholic who took off in the middle of the night leaving her four children...after the years of abuse, neglect, fighting (fill in the blank). I praise God every day for saving me and blessing me with the ability to break the cycle and have a beautiful marriage that he intended when he put Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden.

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  15. Wow, this is a deep WFMW post. It caught me by surprise but it was a great one!

    :)

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  16. This was good - thanks for writing it. My parents' relationship sounds like your parents' - it was an emotionally crippling environment to grow up. My husband has Asperger's (high end of the autism spectrum; didn't know it until we were married) and so many times I feel hopeless about my marriage. But by God's grace, we've made it this far and I try to do the best I can for our family.

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  17. this was a good post. makes you think, especially if you're the child(ren) of divorced parents. in my case though, it's good that my parents just left each other. but anyone else, you should work it out.

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I'd love to hear what you think!