What Not To Say to People Who are Adopting

My husband and I began the process of adoption last fall, we have completed all the paperwork and have been on the wait list a little over 2 months for a girl age 0-30 months from Ethiopia.

As family and friends and other acquaintances have learned of our adoption plans, we've received quite a range of responses. Thankfully, mostly they have been positive or at least followed the If-you-don't-have-anything-nice-to-say-don't-say-anything-at-all rule (Oh the beauty of that magical 13 word rule!) .

I'm really not a picky person, looking to start an argument. I am a peacemaker by nature. In my entire life I've sent back my meal at a restaurant exactly 0 times! It is rare that I have a problem with someone or cause a stink, seriously!

But, there have been some comments and questions that were hard to hear, especially recently from some of my family members. I'm all about asking hard questions if they are well-thought through (prayed about, even!) and helpful not hurtful.

Very few of the negatives have been helpful though, except maybe the person who said, "Wow! That's a life-long commitment." Because really before she said that we thought the whole adoption thing was just temporary, like rent-a-kid -- NOT!

So, I'm compiling a list (I'm sure it will be growing but for tonight here's what I'm thinking of):

What not to say to people who are adopting a child:

"Have you really thought out this decision?"

Why you should not ask this question:
Um, well, could I point you to the large binder of notarized documents it took us 6 months to complete, the checks written for large sums of money, the doctor visits, the home study done with questions covering all areas of personal topics, the 3 trips to the Dept. of Homeland Security, the 2 months on the wait list, the stack of books we've read, the people we've talked to in the adoption community, the seminars we've gone to, the training we've done, the sleepless nights spent wrestling with God over the decision before we made it, the hours upon hours we've talked as a couple about every aspect of this adoption. Let's just say, the decision to adopt this child was infinitely more thought out than the decisions to have all three of our biological children combined!


"But you already have your own kids." or "Don't you want real kids?" or "Don't you want your own kids?"

Why you should not ask this question/make this comment:
I assure you adopted kids are real, live children and I believe caring for kids day in and day out, loving them, & providing for them makes them your "own kids" whether they share your biological genes or not.

"But what about that woman who sent back the son she'd adopted from Russia?"

Why you should not ask this question:
Yes, it is a true story, but it is not THE STORY of adoption. The press likes to report on negative stories more than positive. I wish for the one story of the woman sending her son back to Russia that they aired, they would have also shown the stories of the thousands of happy adoptions because those are definitely there to showcase, as well. It is actually very, very rare to have a disrupted adoption and the number of disrupted biological families is astronomical -- the number of CPS kids in my own county is a testament to that. How about if those kids in CPS custody, removed from their biological parents were on TV every day for 2 weeks, the story of how their parents made bad choices, failed them, how the "system" needs to change to better protect them? Now that would be a productive use of the news media!

What you should ask instead:

"What led you to this decision?"
Usually people adopting have great stories to tell. You'll be amazed and if you're truly concerned the couple hasn't thought through the decision enough, well, their answer to this question ought to address your concern.

"Have you been able to find some support networks you can tap into once your adopted child is home?"
All parents in the process of bringing a child home either through birth or adoption ought to have some support networks in place. Parenting is hard! But, this is all the more true for adoptive parents who may face tougher issues with attachment/bonding, cultural issues, grief & loss, past trauma the child has experienced, etc.

and my favorite question you could ask:
"How can I help?"
You could be a part of the support network for a friend or family member going through adoption or fostering a child. For foster parents, you can go through training to be certified as a respite caregiver and then you could give the foster parents a break while you babysit for a few hours or overnight (Did you know foster parents are not allowed to use regular babysitters so they often find it hard to get a break at all and they need it the most as they're often dealing with kids with significant issues?). For adoptive parents, if they are having trouble financing their adoption, you could offer to help with fund-raisers. And you can always support them with prayer, your friendship, and your unconditional love of their new child regardless of how he or she came into their family!


Find more Thankful Thursday, Thursday Thirteen, Alphabe-Thursday "W"